In the Lifestream
by t3h maniac
Summary: You can sail the seven seas, in the... wait. That's not right. After being beaten by Cloud in AC Sephiroth returns to the lifestream to be put through hell, otherwise known as Aerith's guide to villain rehabilitation. Sort of drabblish, requests loved.
1. Miss Aerith

-1**In The Lifestream**

**You can sail the seven seas… wait, that's not right. (Ahem)**

**After Advent Children Sephiroth returns to the life stream again. And now he has to undergo villain rehabilitation before he's allowed anywhere near revival plot bunnies. Lucky him. A drabble series if you will.**

**Disclaimer: I do not know any way to purchase the FFVII characters so alas, they are not mine.**

**--**

The Lifestream is a weird and confusing place. It is something that does not exist in time and space but wrather on an Etheral plane. Anyone looking in would just see it as a green liquid with some lighting effects. To try and describe all its qualities in detail so that it can be fully pictured in the minds of humans would require me to write a novel describing it yet still leaving a good part of it up to imagination.

And I don't do novels.

So let me just cut it short and say it can take any form at any time. Don't ask me why, it just can.

At this moment in time it was currently in the form of a classroom (with the green sparkly light effects outside the windows) complete with a chalk board, the teachers desk which was decorated in flowers and one student sitting at the desk.

A very angry one at that, with long silver hair and dressed in black leather.

"I hate you Aerith. I really do."

"Now Sephiroth, that's not a very nice thing to say to your teacher, is it?"

He growled in response. It was only his first session of this and he already wanted to tear her lungs out if such a thing was possible in the Lifestream but this leads back to the 'what the hell is the Lifestream apart from the blood of the planet' discussion.

"Now class, I am miss Gainsborough but since you know me already we can skip most of the formalities can't we?" Sephiroth wanted to grab Masamune if it weren't for the fact that Zack confiscated it when he got back from his latest battle from Cloud.

"Yes Miss Gainsborough." He said through gritted teeth.

"Anyway Sephiroth, welcome to the guide for villain rehabilitation so that you can finally be a co-operative member of the life stream now that you are somewhat free of Jenova's control and that if by any chance you do get revived, you will only use that time for good deeds." Aeris said with a typical smile on her face.

"Question."

"Yes?"

"Why are you putting me through this torture. Is it revenge? Its revenge for stabbing you through the heart isn't it."

"What would give you that thought? I am genuinely shocked that you'd accuse me of being so vindictive!" She asked, looking thoroughly offended.

"The fact that my Father isn't getting the same treatment is kind of a give away." Sephiroth muttered, Hojo deserved the ultimate ride through every circle of hell so why was he getting let off this one.

"That's nonsense, if I was just out for revenge he'd be crucified, castrated and… something else that begins with the letter C."

"Okay…" Sephiroth said, eying the dead Centra uncertainly.

"So first things first, tell me what made you so angry all the time."

"Well it started when I found out that the only thing I had close to a parent was a planet destroying alien in a giant test tube." Sephiroth sighed.

"Is that why you still call her your mother still, because she was the only one you ever had."

"I guess so. Wow, I think I feel better already, thanks for this Aerith, now if you would just let me out of here so I can…" He said, smiling slightly and rising out of his chair.

"Not so fast Seph, we still have much more work to be done here." Aeris said, motioning Sephiroth to sit back down. Her powers however gave Sephiroth no option in the matter. His muscles (or metaphorical Lifestream equivalent) obeying her more than him.

"Leviathan damn it."

--

**Just the start of his torture, this fic will feature Zack once I can peel him away from his mental images of Aeris as a school teacher.**

**Zack: Hey! You don't have to tell everyone you know.**

**Me: Of course I do. Its probably all over some dark recess of the internet already. Now leave a review so I could possibly continue this line of thought. One more thing, suggestions are welcomed.**


	2. Welcome Back

**Welcome Back**

**I may have given the wrong impression with the first chapter of this fic. It is not going to be completely revolving around the sort of classroom setting, some of it will generally be in the lifestream. And it is a drabble series so it won't be chronologically ordered. Like this one actually occurs slightly during AC**

**--**

_Okay, this is too easy, I just launched you into a freaking building Cloud. I know that I'm about 15 times stronger than I was when we faced off at North Crater but this is ridiculous. I mean, this is easier than… ah forget it. Its just too easy is all. Try to put up some decent sort of fight so it can be considered a dramatic showdown._

_Wait a minute._

…

…

_It's official. I **HATE **limit breaks._

_Seriously, I beat him around for a few minutes then he gets to pull a super-power out of his arse._

_I could have had a limit break but nooooo. I have to be so almighty that I can't be hurt enough to charge one until I get freaking killed._

_Again._

_Demi-god status sucks._

As Sephiroth died for what is now the 3rd time at the hands of former Shinra grunt Cloud Strife he was starting to notice a pattern in the whole events. No matter how powerful he got it was almost as if he was doomed to failure by some higher power.

That and he realised he could no longer feel Jenova's presence for the first time in 7 years.

_Mother? Mother? I can't feel her… so cold… so alone… so awesome! Finally I'm free, my mind is no-ones but my own. I can actually sit back and watch the green sparkly effects for the first time. I guess there are some perks to the whole thing._

--

_If there are people reading my mind from the get go. Forget what I said about there being upsides to this._

"Come on Sephiroth, she can't be that bad to you." Zack said, having listened to the one-winged angel complain about his current and equally dead girlfriend.

"Do you really believe that?" He said, disbelieving.

"Well, she's Aerith. She's supposed to be the calm soothing saviour of the planet, your describing her as a total bitch."

"She is a total bitch! How can you not see that side of her?"

"She's never one to Jesse, Biggs, Wedge and she never was to any member of AVALANCHE. She may be one to Hojo but then again, who isn't?"

"Maybe she has a duel personality disorder."

"I still think your over reacting man."

"Oh Zack." Aerith called in a sing-song voice.

"Hey Aerith. How's my favourite Ancient in the life stream doing." Zack asked, nuzzling her.

"Aw, how sweet of you Zack. Oh, hello Sephiroth."

"Hello Aerith…" Sephiroth said, trying to control himself.

"I hope you haven't forgotten about our next session together. We really need to work on your anger problems."

"Hey if you two spend more time together, I'm going to get jealous." Zack said, mocking being hurt.

"You know I'd never cheat on you Zack. See you later." She waved good bye, leaving the two former SOLDIER 1st class members to their own devices again.

"Bye. Seph? Sephiroth? Why are you grinning like that." Zack asked, a hint of panic in his voice.

"Zack, tell me how many people you have slept with in your entire life?" He asked calmly, as if his new found arch-enemy had not promised another (insert undisclosed period of time here) long session together.

"Around… 40, why?"

"No reason. None at all." Sephiroth said coolly. He wasn't going to be the only one to suffer Aerith's passive-aggressive torture methods.

--

**Zack: Huh? I don't get it.**

**Me: You will… hopefully for you it won't be soon.**

**Zack: huh?**

**Me: And don't forget to leave a review.**


	3. New Classmates

**New Classmates**

**Now normally I wouldn't touch these characters with a ten foot barge pole but I feel that Sephiroth needs some company in the villain rehabilitation lessons.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7**

**--**

_Another trip to the lowest circle of hell. _Sephiroth mentally grumbled as he approached the door to Miss Gainsborough's villain rehabilitation 101. Instead of calming him down the classes were having the reverse effect on him, he was now more likely to go burn down a village than he was when he re-entered the life stream. And he knew Aerith was enjoying every last millisecond of the torture.

Its always the quiet and nice ones you have to watch out for. The smaller the scorpion, the more deadly the poison.

Upon entering the room he could of sworn he heard someone wolf whistle him, he paled instantly. If it was Aerith it meant he was going to be in big trouble with Zack, but who else could it have been? No-one else was in these classes with him.

"Kya-ha-ha!"

_No! It can't be! You're… wait, are you dead? Oh no, I think you are, got caught up in the explosion from the robot. I will not look, I will not look. I will not look!_

"Oh hello Sephiroth, how are we today?" Came Aerith's suspiciously cheery voice from behind him. "We have some new class members joining us today, won't it be fun? Have you two met each other Scarlet?"

The only thing Sephiroth wanted to do now was scream 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as random objects were tossed around the room by a newly developed psychic power while some imperial music played in the background. But he also didn't want to give Aerith any satisfaction and so reluctantly took his seat, not trying to make eye contact with the deceased Shinra executive who was no doubt wearing something red with an impossibly low neckline, with 5 inch heels on as well.

Scarlet had always harboured a crush on Sephiroth during his general days despite the fact it was obvious he despised her. After Nieblheim she focussed her efforts on trying to molest Rufus. But since the frumpy git wasn't dead and here (which even Sephiroth thought he was dead. He took a WEAPON attack to the face, must be all the coats offering protection), there was no other target for her 'affections'.

A knock was heard at the door. Aerith signalled for the people to come in and they did. 3 silver haired young men dressed neck to toe in black leather. The remnants had arrived.

Sephiroth's head repeatedly smashed against his desk.

"Now I think that's everyone here. Now welcome to my guide for villain rehabilitation. Now the first exercise we are going to take are giving out compliments. To try and improve your people skills in friendly conversation."

"I don't do complements."

"Really? But its easy. Look, I'll give an example, repeat after me. 'Cloud, your hair look lovely and spiky today.'"

Zack shot up from where he was, his eyes wide. "I sense a great disturbance in the force."

Back in the classroom however "Cloud, your hair looks spiky today, it reminds me of a chocobo's but."

"Hmm, this may take more time than I thought." Aerith conceded. Sephiroth's head had now smashed a groove in the pseudo wooden desk. "Okay, how about you… Loz."

"Oh god not the cry baby. He can't do anything." Yazoo complained.

"That's not true! I can do stuff!"

"Like?"

"I…"

"See. Useless."

"Kadaj! Yazoo! Stop it now!" Aerith shouted at the remnants "You two will be in detention later for bullying. I will not tolerate this in my class!" Sephiroth and Scarlet covered there ears at the sudden increase of pitch and volume from the normally calm flower maiden.

--

Meanwhile in the 7th Heaven bar in Edge Cloud woke up with a start.

"Wahh!" He shouted. Causing a pillow to be thrown at his face by his bed mate.

"Cloud, its too early. Go back to sleep."

"Sorry Teef." He apologized before snuggling back under the covers, he probably just imagined the shouting.

--

**Does this mean I'm going to update this more frequently from now on? Possibly, but what it does mean is that I haven't forgotten about it nor have I resorted to excessive cursing, so consider it a blessing.**


	4. The Deepest Circle

-1**The Deepest Circle**

**You folks wanted more of this, so in between my hectic schedule of Job hunting, SSBB, Crisis Core and Team Fortress 2 I have managed to get you another chapter.**

**And as for why I'm playing Crisis Core and SSBB despite the fact they've been out in the US for yonks and in Japan for 3 yonks is that in Europe they've only recently been released.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot.**

**--**

Torturing Aerith was _fun_. Not in the very graphic, very disturbing fashion which can be found in movies or in the Turks secured areas, but in the childish manner, on which most children annoy teachers until they reach a class where the teacher is not afraid to come down on any wrong-doing like a ton of bricks.

And it also helped that he had 3 brothers who shared similarities, with him to put the blame on if Miss Gainsborough did suspect it was him.

What didn't help was when Scarlet passed him notes, offering to meet behind the metaphorical bike-shed. He shuddered at that. For each note he had to spend 5 hours of meditation to cleanse the mind. Another problem with note passing was that he was often asked to read out the notes if he got caught with one. One time Kadaj had passed him a slip of paper asking if he had a crush on Aerith. It had taken all of his self control and several extra restraints to stop him tearing out his so-called brother's throat.

"SEPHIROTH!" Aerith shouted, snapping the former one-winged angel out of his reclusive day dream. She was holding a ruler in her hands with a none-to-pleased expression on her face.

"What did I do?"

"You have not been paying attention in any of my lessons, and I have had enough!"

_So I won't have to go to these lessons? Sweet. _Sephiroth thought as Aerith shooed him out of his seat and out the door.

"Follow me."

"What is this place?" The former general asked as Aerith led him down a series of stairs and into a darkly lit, narrow corridor.

"This is where Hojo is." Sephiroth's face paled. Scarlet was bearable by comparison to him. Father or not, he still is an unethical mad-man who wanted to play god and gamble the lives of others. "Its where his punishment is being served, and where you will end up if you continue this attitude." The corridor came to an end as they saw a soundproofed door with a small window, Aerith gestured to Sephiroth to look inside. It at first seemed a pretty basic, bland room. One seat, one bed. Just that Hojo was currently rocking back and forth in the corner sucking his thumb.

"What's so bad about this? I mean its just solitude. This won't break me."

"Take a better look."

_No. Anything but that. _There was a large screen covering one wall, he couldn't see it initially but it was currently on, and playing a looped footage of Barney and Friends.

"Something you'd like to say?" Aerith asked. Noticing that he was shaking.

"I'll be good." The former general squeaked.

--

**The ultimate punishment for Hojo (shudder). Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.**


	5. Breakout

Breakout

**Breakout**

**There is no fourth Indiana Jones movie.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.**

**--**

_Screw this! I've had enough of this passive-aggressive torment from Aerith, enough of the remnants and enough of Scarlet trying to grab my ass! Seriously, cut those damn finger nails, they hurt slightly. No prison can hold the mighty Sephiroth! Not even the lifestream!_

_But how to escape… I know where my escape point will most likely be, Mideel because of the large lifestream pool and how it flowed against the surface there anyway, but then I'll need a human form to take over. Now let's check…_

_Aha! A retired SOLDIER member right there, cured of Geostigma but still has the odd trace of Jenova cells and still has the Mako eyes. He'll make a perfect host, I won't be as strong as I was when controlling the remnants due to how few and far between the Jenova cells are nowadays, but one raid to Rufus' little home and all that will be fixed. Then we'll see who's the best Cloud, I will not loose 4 times in a row to a reject who got lucky!_

_First time you stabbed me in the back while I was busy, second time you had all your buddies and that cheap as hell Knights Of The Round materia which is more unfair than Costly Punch. Third time… okay I messed up by playing around a bit to long there but I definitely won't make the same mistakes again!_

Sephiroth's astral form surged towards the surface in the lifestream, away from Aerith, away from Hojo, away from the Remnants, leaving them all behind in his metaphorical dust as he attempted to return to the living.

On the way he knocked over a small container holding a red light, shattering it on the metaphorical wall, the red light following him, attaching itself to his wing.

"Uh, Aerith? Sephs trying to escape, shouldn't we try and stop him."

"No need, the Ancient's placed a spell on him when he arrived dead the second time, he'll only have the ability of flight and that's it, no super speed in battle, no super strength. He'll be no major threat, giving us plenty of time to bring him back." "What was that breaking noise?"

Aerith and Zack headed towards the sound and found the broken jar. Both sets of eyes widened. "Okay, now we stop him. Or else some of our friends are in big trouble.

As Aerith and Zack fled the scene to follow Sephiroth the sign "**Do not touch. Contains Fan-Parasite Mary Sue**." Was left amongst the metaphorical broken glass.

God damn it, how many times am I going to say metaphorical? Curse the whole state of the lifestream bouncing between forms more than a tennis ball between two skilled players.

--

A small rumble was felt on the island village of Mideel as a man emerged from the glowing green pool, the slime-like substance dripping from his hair. "I'm back."

--

**And now it ties in with two of my other fics in one big, disturbing world. If you've read them you'll know what I mean. **


	6. Back In Black

Back In Black

**Back In Black**

**Oh no! Sephiroth has escaped without learning lessons about love and friendship and everything else Sesame Street used to bang on about whenever Cookie Monster wasn't around.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

**--**

"So how much trouble are we in? I mean shouldn't that Mary-Sue thing and Sephiroth cancel each other out?" Zack asked Aerith

"I wish, that thing feeds on former SOLDIER members, Turks and even Cloud is at risk. It'll infect a member of the opposite sex to its prey, sometimes the same sex if it's that way inclined. Its like a succubus, it even tried to infect me at one point."

"Don't remind me. I've never seen you so out of it, afterwards it was like you had PMS for a whole month." The only way to stop it was to place Aerith in a circle with the remnants, the parasite couldn't decide which one it wanted more allowing Aerith a chance to fight against it. The sharp removal caused her to be a lot more bitchy than normal, it was during the end of that time when Sephiroth finally showed up. Time being malleable down here.

"But ever since you and the remnants helped capture it for me it became bitter, twisted. Although it used to lure victims by creating an illusion of perfection which is seen by anyone but the prey as annoying, now once it infects someone they take victims by force."

"Wait, if Sephiroth's its prey as long as he stays out of contact with anyone who could potentially do some damage which at the moment is just Cloud. He's safe right?"

"…"

"He's after revenge on Cloud isn't he."

"Yeah..."

"Shit."

"And the whole 'I confiscated his powers' thing."

"Damn, we sure screwed him over didn't we?"

"I'll go find him."

--

"_And in other news, a bizarre theft in Mideel took place where a clothing boutique was broken into, but the only report stolen item was a large black leather coat, police also found a strange green ooze at the scene. This ooze does resemble the liquid in the Life stream pool nearby. The Mayor reported that this could just be some opportune thieves and the Life stream is not coming to life. 'If this is a creature from the Life stream we are dealing with, it would probably have better tastes in fashion.' More on this story as it develops._"

Sephiroth Scowled at the news report, who was he to criticise his taste in clothing. People expected the dark flowing coat, the long sword and the one wing. It just wouldn't be him otherwise. Still another name on the 'to kill list' right under Reno of the Turks for he prank he pulled on him back when he was the head of SOLDIER.

It took 2 days to get that stuff out of his hair, Reno's going down.

Still, how to get to Cloud was a bit of a creative challenge. He didn't want to face the entire group of Avalanche, 8 on 1 was hardly fair and wouldn't solve anything. Sure it might solve things in their eyes in that it's removing a problem but it never answered the question about who's stronger, Cloud or Sephiroth.

Still, there was always the old black feather trail leading into a secluded woods trick but that would mean mutilating his wing, and that freaking _hurt_. He needed new bait, something that Cloud would go to rescue alone if it would ensure its safety. Like a girlfriend.

_Oh wait, I killed her. HAHAHAHA! Ah well better go capture the rebound._

--

It was a cold lonely night for Tifa. Cloud had to be called to the other side of the world on some errand, she hated that. Some nights all she wanted was to snuggle down next to the Chocobo headed lover, maybe he could 'Wark' for her. It was so cute when he did that.

However she was not as alone as she thought. A silver haired man full of menace was observing her from a distance. "Perhaps she could be useful to me" He said out loud, spreading his one wing he swooped towards her bedroom where the martial artist was sleeping.

"Mmm?" Tifa started to wake up when she saw Sephiroth standing above her "You!"

"So helpless, I wonder why he leaves you like this" he grasped her arm, pulling her up viciously "when you could so easily be abused." He gave out a sinister laugh as she tried to shake his grip, a small red bug crawling along it and onto Tifa "come now, you must surely realise that resisting me will only result in pain."

"I know, yours!" Tifa moved her stance shifting her body weight towards her legs, Sephiroth pulled her up so they were face to face again but she had other ideas. Using the momentum of the former generals strength to connect her knee with his groin which despite being dunked in mako and having all those Jenova cells, still hurt the one winged angel a lot.

--

"Found him Aerith?" Zack asked, trying to keep the remnants from pestering him with questions like "where is big brother?"

"Nope. I'll keep looking though." Aerith called back hiding the bag of popcorn "this'll be entertaining." She chuckled watching the scene unfold from Sephiroth's point of view.

--

**I'm so lazy when it comes to these tie-ins to other fics. Now it ties in exactly to my two other fics and the circle is now complete.**

**But since it's a drable series it doesn't have to be in chronological order, yay! Its not the end by a long shot.**


	7. Unwelcome Memories

**Unwelcome Memories**

**Now this is set far into the future, and flashes back to AC. And if I haven't alienated most of my readers by now I'm not doing my job properly.**

**Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns most of the stuff, can't be assed to give full disclaimer.**

**--**

_It came down to this, 2 years after meteor fall where AVALANCHE had defeated Sephiroth and Cloud had forced the last remnants of Sephiroth's control from his mind._

_Remnants was an appropriate phrase since 3 'remnants' of Sephiroth, failed attempts to clone him in order to test the reunion theorem, rose to bring his third coming. His first being his relatively normal life, second when he was fused with JENOVA or something like that, this being the third time._

_The group had re-formed to destroy Bahumunt SIN and Cloud had defeated the leader of the remnants, Kadaj. It looked like it was all over, except for when Sephiroth finally returned._

_After 15 minutes of fighting it looked as though Sephiroth was going to win, or so everyone watching thought. What they didn't see was that Cloud was intentionally playing possum, waiting for the right moment to strike with the one technique that was guaranteed to put an end to Sephiroth, the Omnislash._

_Although Sephiroth never uttered his final words before being struck down by such a move it would have most likely been 'oh crap'._

**--**

"And that's how I kicked your ass and saved the world _again_." Cloud concluded.

"Cloud?" Sephiroth asked after he had been forced to relive his more shameful moments (except for the whole Mary Sue parasite thing but all the men involved had agreed to never talk about that again, it _never happened_ alright? Good).

"Yeah?"

"You're a douche."

--

**Yes, every character (save from probably Zack) in this fic so far is a douche or is crazy. I like consistency with my characters personalities. If there are any continuity errors between Cloud's recollection and AC, attribute it to Cloud having developed a large ego in his final years.**


	8. Oh The Irony

**Oh The Irony**

**So I haven't updated in a while, drown me. (Note: Do not actually attempt to drown me. Sarcasm can not be displayed with text very well.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with FF7 nor am I making a profit.**

**--**

Far into the future, the planet still exists somehow, the lifestream is a lot thinner and fewer people can hold their collective thoughts together

"Seph, what are you doing?"

"Nothing, nothing has happened for the past 20 years Zachary. 20 years since Yuffie joined the AVALANCHE re-union only leaving the man who is possibly the only one with more reasons to hate my parents then me and a wolf/lion/native-corelian thing on the surface, It's boring, I'm bored. I know a thousand euphemisms for the word bored. That's how bored I am, I can take a trip around the entire language to describe it. "

"No-one said eternal peace wouldn't be boring eventually."

"If I wanted eternal peace, I would have found a corner of the lifestream far away from you. There has to be something to do here."

"We kinda used up everything in the first 50 years. After that its kinda the same for the rest of your afterlife, unless you do something really wrong. Then you go to the ironic punishment centre."

"Ironic punishment?" Sephiroth asked, his curiosity piqued for the first time in a generation.

"Where you get dealt with according to what you did, say like stealing. All your worldly possessions get taken away before your eyes. But its only a one time thing so you don't mess up again, after that you have a limited chances, use them up and your concousness gets wiped and your floating around like a normal person. That's what Aerith said anyway."

"What if I hypnotised say… Tifa and tricked her into cheating on Cloud while down here? Would that constitute Ironic punishment worthy crime?"

"Dunno, it's a bad thing to do but they have to have something to work with. You stayed single till you died so your girl can't get seduced by Cloud. Why you ask?"

"Excuse me for a moment, I need to go test something…"

--

"Seph? What happened?" Zack asked, last he heard he was called to the Ironic punishment centre for re-habilitation, now he was walking extremely awkward, as though someone had shoved something very large somewhere private.

"After all these years… that freaking parasite! That accursed spirit! They brought it back to torment me! Ow…" He mumbled as he walked past.

"Hey Zack, you seen Tifa? I heard she got called to ironic punishments, what for?" Cloud asked appearing behind him.

"Ask Sephiroth." Zack said quickly before returning to the world's hardest Crossword puzzle in Klingon.

--

**It's funnier when I only imply what happened instead of saying it outright.**


End file.
